*****
Last week was quite a tumultuous one for Wayne Rooney. From Man United player to City's next big money signing to the highest paid footballer in the history of the club. Everyone would like a penny for his thoughts.
Imagine my surprise therefore when I found a small book with Wayne's World written on the front surrounded by lots of Panini stickers of Duncan Ferguson, Neville Southall, Tony Cottee and Everton shinies.
After an arduous and painful translation process, I've written it up the best I can.**
**Dear the Times, Guardian and BBC (and the NOTW), I own all the copyrights so you can either:
a. give me a job
b. give me some of Murdoch's money
*****
Sunday 17th October.
Dear diary lar. Who are theese monkees playing with me at the moment. We drew twos each with the Baggees at home on Sattyday after taking a 2-0 leed. I came on for the last twenty mins but I'm playin as bad as Rios world cup wind ups. I've merked meself diary lar!
Then citee beat Blackpool today and got three points. I spoke to me lar Caritos and he said Mancinee is always lookin out for a strirker. Apparently citee have got loads of monee as well. I'm still paying direct debit on the ten thousand vuvuzelees I shipped backed from South Africa. Me agent said I'd make millions but they've been banned isn't they. He merked me diary lar!
Monday 18th October.
Not much to report today diary lar. I did some footee at Carryton and had a good laugh with the boys. Rio is such a joker, he knelt down behind Paddee Evra and when Giggsee pushed him he fell right on his jacksee. Paddee didn't like it and said I should never play for the club again which I thought wasn't very nice. I love me team mates diary lar! They're all really really good.
I went back to train but my bad ankle that has been slightly injured although it hasn't stopped me from playing but has not been 110 per cent right but I think it's ok sort of went really bad and so I went to the doctees and now I can't play footee so I'll just practice Guitar Hero on me PS3.
Tuesday 19th October.
Mr Fergiee has merked me diary lar! Tonight he said I didn't want to play for the red ones anymore and wanted to leave Manchestee. I never want to leave this citee, I am a big fan of Corriee and it's near the back streets in Livvypool where I used to play footee. I'd still play footee for nothing me.
I tried to ring Rio to find out what's been going on but he didn't answer and I don't like to leave a message cos of his answer machine. He never gets his messages anyway and always ends up missing stuff.
So I hung up and asked Colleen why she never talks to mee after those photies with big words and that pretty girl on those bits of paper.
She told me the pretty lady had merked me diary lar.
I said she did something but it didn't feel like one of Rios merks.
Colleen said not to speak to her for a bit.
Wednesday 20th October.
Dear diary lar. Paulee rang me moby earlier saying ee ad a plan to pay me back for his advice on the vuvezelees. I said me and Kai had built a big climbing frame out of them so it was ok now but ee said i'm not being given enough pennies to play footee and Mr Glazee can't buy more people for me to kick the ball to.
So Paulee told me what to say and then wrote it down on a bit of paper - he said he had to do the words because I only know the vowels. He said not to worree and said my best interests were at the forefront of his mind at all times. I asked what I had said but all he would tell me is is ee wants me to be happy.
I went and played on FIFA on me PS3 with the team of Wayne Roonees i've made. My formation looks like this:
Rooney
Rooney Rooney Rooney Rooney
Rooney Stevie Gee Rooney Rooney
Kai Wazza
I've played three seasons and we've won 23 trophees. I want to play for a team that wins trophees. But tonight diary lar I was playing against Real and that cheekee monkee Ronaldo scored in the last min of the big trophee at Wemblee. The little winker merked me again diary lar!
Thursday 21st October.
Dear diary lar. Paulee was gone all day and every time I rang his mobee it went straight to his message which I don't like either. It's that song by some old band of Swedes - Monee Monee Monee - and I only like the stereophonics so I hung up and played a game of Risk with Kai but he was rubbish and I merked him in every battle diary lar!
Friday 22nd October.
Dear diary lar. Lots of bigger boys came round to play hide and seek at me big house last night but Colleen said I couldn't go out to play. Ever again.
Then Paulee rang and said i've changed my mind because they gave him I mean me enough pennies to play football so i'm staying with the red ones and not going to the blue ones. I like red, I always bets on it in the casino where I ALLEGEDLY met some young ladies who were nice to me.
*****
The Soul is One
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